Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high
| K. Patterson, J. Grenny, A. Switzler

Maybe let's quickly summarize first what crucial conversions are. It is a discussion between two or more people where:

1. stakes are high
2. options vary
3. emotions run strong

Basically what we need to achieve is that everyone we talk to needs to share his or her views. This is called the pool of shared meaning throughout the book.

The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

I guess everyone knows if adrenaline does our thinking our motives flow with chemical tide. So this this book is here to help us.

First of we should return to dialoge in case we get to emotional. We can achieve that by asking a couple of questions:

- What do I really want?
- What do I really want for others?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
- How would I behave if I really wanted results?

Because if we realize conversations are getting unsafe we normally do badly, e.g.

- Withdrawing: Withholding meaning from the pool
- Masking: Sarcasm
- Avoiding: Steering away
- Violence: try to force meaning in the pool)

There are three hard hitting skills that can be used at dialogue:

- Apologize: When it is your fault, apologize!
- Contrast: Misunderstood? Start with what you don't intend or mean, then explain what you intend to do
- CRIB: Commit to seek mutual purpose, brainstorm new strategies

etc. There are way more techniques in the book. Some more interesting facts about your emotions are mentioned as three claims:

1. It is maybe easy to say others make you mad - BUT others don't make you mad. You make you mad, you and only create your emotions.

2. Once emotions are there you only have two options:

- Act on them or be acted by them

"Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so" William Shakesspeare.

So retrace your path: Notice your behaviour, ask yourself: Am I in some form of silence or violence?

If yes get in touch with your feelings - what emotions are encouring me to act that way? Analyze your stories, which one is creating these emotions? Victim story (i am the victim, it is not my fault), villain story or helpless story (there is nothing I can do)?

Instead of creating a story where you are the victim, get back to the facts: What evidence do I have to support this story.

tj